Brittany and Adam

I cried a lot this week.

For me that is remarkable.  I used to hate it when people cried.

I even spoke up in front of a group of people and almost lost it again.

Currently, for me, my emotional response to life is a good gauge of the condition of my heart.  When I am feeling things in real time (happiness/anger/love/pain) it is a huge win.  Most of my life I have buried all feelings way deep down because I thought emotions were ridiculous.

Although occasionally that might be true, I was wrong about that pretty much all of the time.

We went on a trip with high school students from our church to the beach.

I cried every day Sat-Wed.

It wasn’t because I was exhausted.  It wasn’t because the music was amazing.  It wasn’t because the messages preached spoke to my heart.

Those things are all true, but didn’t elicit emotional responses.

During the main sessions where music was played and preaching was heard I would look around and find where Brittany and Adam were sitting in the huge room.

Brittany is my wife and Adam is my brother (cousin technically).

On Saturday night I saw Adam standing there as a small group leader for 9th grade guys.  And I thought about Adam’s life and our relationship.  I thought about all of the pain that has occurred in Adam’s life.  I thought about how I would be totally understanding if at this moment he hated God and never wanted anything to do with Him.  I thought about the fact that I have been able to be so close with him as he has walked through the most unbearable task of digging into the old wounds of his life.  I know a lot of Adam’s story.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if he hated God.  But here he was standing in the same room as me…still reaching out towards Him.

And I cried.

On Sunday night I saw Brittany standing there as a small group leader for 11th grade girls.  And I thought about Brittany’s life and our relationship.  We’ve been “together” for over 9 years.  I thought about all of the pain that has occurred in Brittany’s life.  I thought about how I would be totally understanding if at this moment she hated God and never wanted anything to do with Him.  I thought about how close we are.  I thought about all of the tears that I have seen her cry as she has had the courage to walk through the unbearable task of digging into the old wounds of her life.  I know better than anyone Brittany’s story.  And I wouldn’t be surprised if she hated God.  But here she was standing in the same room as me…still reaching out towards Him.

And I cried.

On Monday night I saw myself from God’s perspective.  He thought about my life and our relationship.  He is the only person that knows my entire story.  He thought about all of the pain that has occurred in my life.  He whispered that He would be totally understanding if at this moment I hated Him and never wanted anything to do with Him.  He thought about how close He has been to me and knows there were times when I just couldn’t feel that.  He put his arm around my shoulder and with tears in His eyes He leaned close to me and told me how proud He was of me for walking through the unbearable task of digging into the old wounds of my life.  He knows my story better than anyone.  And He wouldn’t be surprised if I hated Him.  But there I was standing in the same room with Brittany and Adam…still reaching out towards Him.

And I cried.

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